young garden

忙碌几天，心情大好，买了瓶小小的Chivas 12，玻璃瓶里晃动的小麦色的液体诱惑大脑发出接受挑逗的神经脉冲，先是口腔，再是胃，然后是四肢．瞬间血液里的灵魂有些狂躁不安．迫不及待把瓶子放进冰箱，等待它降到适合口腔感受的温度，洗澡先，不要Chivas 12忍受汗水，灰尘的折磨．．．

somedays ago, XC and I argued sharply. A friend of  him was forced to marry by a 31 years old female. He told his friend his decision: "no", and try to persuade the friends to follow his decision( Maybe it is just my thought and feeling). 

I felt confused, so asked him : " Why do you interfere in your friend's love affair, it is not your business." 
It was his turn to feel confused, then, he told me: " He is my good friend, like brother, he is hesitating to make decision, and needs my suggestion." 
" He is an adult, and he must pay the bill for what he did, it is his privary affair. Ok ! Let's suppose, on the one hand, he marry the female, he may think that you, my friend, once want us to devide; on the other hand, they apart, the female suicide. will you feel guilty."
" My friend never mind what I said."
" Man is changeable, you never know someone's opinion." but I did not speak this words to him.

On this question, We are not on the some wave, It is no use to argu more.
In the latter, I realize that I have interfere in XC's affair, I am so sorry to disobey my rule, maybe I have hurt his feeling. Sorry again for my interference. 

Hope everything will be alright.

第一次接待客人，尼日利亚的，原来有下过单子，很可爱的一位夫人，这次也满爽快的下了个４０ＨＱ，多想哪天我也能接到这样单子．让人痛苦的是下了单，确认单后．完全疯狂的shoppinger，陪她逛了整整一天，看她腰包里的大叠的人民币哦，美金哦，看得我口水直掉．看她掏钱爽，完全爽．

有同事生日，走了，吃好吃的去！

看过佩内洛普的回归否，个人认为她魅透了，浑身都是致命的吸引力，扯远了．
过完青春叛逆期，开始回归到本我．性情温和的女子．自己都难以相信的轻柔地说话，永远面带微笑．
经过三个多月的徘徊终于要开始进入角色了，有点怕．
最近累得完全没有气力看书，过不了就算了．
最擅长自我催眠了．

昨天去了新华书店，买到了杰克·伦敦的英文原版小说外加中英文对照的世界地图，都是想要以久的．很久没有逛过书店了，感觉回到去书店蹭书乘凉的暑假，早上出发，日落后回家吃老妈煮的饭．

喜欢独处、阅读，现在这仍能安抚我狂燥的心．除了上班就是看ＣＰＡ教材，很少有机会悠闲地读书．阅读的乐趣完全被剥夺了．转回头发现原来安宁那么容易得到，即使是短暂的，也非常满足．

徘徊了一个月的副热带低气压情绪终于过去了．前两天抽空回了趟永川．虽然在那里生活了１０多年，仍然没有归属感．庆幸的是看到了亲切的同学．还有一个大大的惊喜－－曾经活力无限天天跟我一起大声嚷嚷要单身一辈子的女子马上就要有自己的孩子．她生活的不错，婆家人人好看，真的脾气好，完全的勤劳，老公还很幽默．她遇到对的人，做了对的选择．留下我不后悔的独唱一辈子单身．

狠是嫉妒了一下！没想到被她抢了个先！注：不是嫉妒她找到的人家，而是嫉妒她生活的环境，简直就是我的终极梦想－－生活在农村．养点花花草草，种点蔬菜，物质上已经跟城市没有区别，精神上要富裕的多，生活在农村，不是传统的农村生活．我要对以前的含糊的概念向自己道歉，不好意思差点自我误导了．

写东西是件很累人的事情，不是那么变态的人成不了作家，比如说我．

老实说最近真的有点自怨自艾，最讨厌的就是这种人．每天重复的生活我也在尝试换种心情，或者换点生活方式，目前来说收获不太．说一下渐渐让我觉得有点可怕的被一天天磨损的青春，早晨七点多起床，早餐，步行上班，午餐，步行下班．忙的时候没空上厕所，空的时候忙着发霉．下班后总要解决生计吧，煮饭实在太累．

＂不吃行不？＂
＂不行，早餐和午餐已经受够了！＂
＂那吃点水果或者蔬菜好吧？＂
＂偶尔可以，一直吃想吐，再说我答应，身体也不答应啊！＂
＂那就煮，那么多废话！＂
＂煮什么呢？南瓜汤，还是酸奶蕃茄沙拉？＂

吃完，洗完，打开书本，才拿起笔，瞌睡又来了，打不过它，只好妥协！

又开始这样的一天．

让人窒息的沉闷．．．

生活还是会奖励一下小小的我．

每天走在上班的路上，基本在同一路段都会遇到ＸＸＸ，是有点帅，然后有点高，再就是有点光辉健康，美女看多了，能看下帅哥还是不错的．遏止住想上去搭讪的冲动，怕吓得他改路线．算了，眼睛吃下豆腐就行的．再说口水都要流下来了．

昨天听熊熊说我们国家不准我们买钢材去越南，亲爱的越南市场，你就象深山里树林边草地上的梅花鹿旁边的小辣椒一样，好看棘手．但是我不会放过你的，绝对不放过．钢材进不去，我就出水果．

今天有个一起进来的同事要离职，有点难过，如果走的人是我，我更难过！她已经是母亲了，还比较坚强．
总要拷问一下自己三年的青春能做点什么，已经无数次的修改短期目标，会妥协吗？能够妥协吗？
迷惘的一代！！！

I can handle it, do not worry. Thank you for all the thing you did, it supported me a lot. You know, there is something I must face it lonely, such as blooding, even my mama can not help. You thought that I am not able to take care of myself, I must admit that I am muddle-headed. Can't you see I have lived my life more than 20 years. I enjoy recent life, hate to change it, so stubborn woman, am I?

You should know there is nothing changed, I am still I, I will still live my single life, I am not the burden of anyone, I am free, and so do you. I mean I face the fact frankly, I accept all the thing happened and will-be happened, it is not difficult. So just leave me alone a little while... Someday I can went out from my garden to find a bigger world. Hoping, waiting...

Pain, I can feel nothing but pain, from neck to stomach, from waist to legs, This is a kind of pain that is not only physical, but  psychological. It is the result of large pressure from both outside and inside. 

There is no way for me to release myself, I often wake up in the midnight suddenly, sweat a lot, then fall into the endless silence, terrible darkness... they remind me of lonely childhood--sleep lonely at house, mice run on the railing...Maybe I am suffering the reward, because I teased myself, I cheated myself. 

I wanna cry but no tears, I drink heavy, hope they become tears, unfortunately they all become urine, blood and sweat. I wanna run away, but I do not know for what, I do not know where to flee. I said goodbye to those past unhappiness. Why they didn't leave, They linger on like a ghost. 

I do not know what I mean, nor my soul. It should be the biggest irony in my world. Stop!   F**k all this damn thing.